Continued Anxiety & Figuring it Out

Updated: Sep 2, 2020

“Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you.” 

― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Even though I’m done with my sport and my team, I still get extremely anxious about things. During my last year doing gymnastics in college, I felt very paranoid that people were talking about me, and that I was doing something wrong. Even after I was done though, I found myself always trying to prove myself in terms of working out the most and eating the least to maintain a smaller figure than I naturally was supposed to be, and got mad at myself when I didn’t eat less than 1200 calories in a day, which eventually led to a binge of food. On my team, I was typically pretty laid back on things I saw as superficial, meetings in general where I felt like people’s feelings weren’t genuine, or even just discussing what we were going to wear. However, even after I was done, whenever I had a conversation with the same group, I still felt this anxiety, and I had no idea why. I think this anxiety is probably more common for athletes than I had previously thought. It’s almost sort of a PTSD reaction. Even more shocking though is the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was only feeling this way because I had been forced to spend time with those people, they weren’t actually people that I chose to be friends with.

Before I continue, I’d like to clarify that I’m not saying I don’t like them, or regret spending time with t